unbearable

I continue to be a sobbing mess.

I mourn the loss of us.

I can only remember the good times right now. Laughing on the beach, cooking elaborate dinners in my tiny kitchen in Tallahassee, sitting through philosophical talks, hugs, kisses, snuggling, hiking, exploring the country. Learning to knit, watching TV, teaching you some ancient Greek, watching anime, going for walks, comfortable silences.

We had been through so much.

And now....it's gone. And now we are dead.
You have killed us. We are no more.

With the death of us, a part of me dies. I am scared, B. I miss you. I love you. I didn't think you'd end this, I really didn't.

What else can I say? I hurt so deeply. I want to be alone and I don't want to be alone.

I remain a mess. A blubbering mess who still loves you and can't understand how you could do this if you love me, like you say you do...

I'm still not sure I've accepted this totally. And that scares me, because the pain as of now is unbearable.