Maybe re-reading the descriptions of the thousand-yard-stare reminded me of the state of shock I seem to be in. . .
I think I’m in a state of shock. That and good ol’ Effexor is back in my system. [Note: yes, it really can work that quickly because I’m taking another medication that helps a/d’s be beneficial in a few days, not the usual couple of weeks.]
I suspect I’m in some state of shock because I cannot remember much of what I said to B’s case manager yesterday. I hope I was nice to her. I hope I sounded---oh---sane. I hope my tears were understandable, as well as my frustration.
It’s the nights that are hard. (or harder? Because the days aren’t easy…) The night is my only quiet time, and C sleeps next to me. If I cry, she wakes up. So I cannot cry…not sobbing, at least. A few tears can leak out of my eyes, but no more. I stare dumbly at the television, which I’ve taken to leaving on all night so I don’t wake up alone with my thoughts. I wake up and can watch women’s fencing, or Law & Order, or like this morning, The X-Files. The television is too quiet for me to hear, so I make up stories in my head while wondering what’s going to happen…to us. Am I a single mom forever? Is this just a pause, or are we breaking up? Who’s going to want to date me? Who would want to date someone with a child? Did B fall out of love with me? Why now, after all that we’ve been through? My mind gets ridiculous, then: “He fell out of love with you when you were pregnant.” Only I’m not so convinced this is ridiculous. As I typed those words out, my stomach fluttered nervously. I know B loves me, but is he in love with me? Did that passion die when his illness flared?
I hate this. I am so insecure right now, but what is there in my life that’s consistent, that’s constant? I thought B was doing better, I really did. I had been afraid to get my hopes up, and yet, I stupidly did.
Not much point to this. I just needed to ramble somewhere to someone…
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