Smile like you mean it.

I am feeling really down as I write this, and I'm writing in the simple hope that venting somewhere, to someone or no one, will help me feel a little less...

...well, whatever this feeling is.

B sent me a check last week. It was all of his remaining balance--i.e., all the money to his name after his over $15,000 cash spending spree this spring. There wasn't much left, and to be honest, it hurt and felt wrong to deposit the check, even I know that doing so is the "right" thing.

I am so, so angry. All the people who've offered and who've promised to help disappear when I need them. My god, do you hear that Mom and Dad? J & L? (in-laws)

Your bipolar son in law/son manages to come through for me when you fail me. How absolutely absurd is this. My mind cannot grasp that the one person with the legitimate excuse for not being able to help out actually is trying.

Of course, every time I write anything about wanting support, I feel bad. I cannot imagine ever believing in my heart that I deserve support. I know, I know: rationally, yes, there is nothing that separates me from any of you, my friends who read this blog. There is nothing so "special" about me that I am above help and support. Yet try reconciling my mind with my heart. They are two separate entities that speak different languages, and neither my mind nor my heart show any interest in learning a new language.

My living situation is killing me. I have to change it, I have to leave. My living situation is a boa constrictor. I feel--and this is going to sound melodramatic--I feel a little more dead each with each passing week, day, hour, moment. The life is slowly being squeezed from me.


But what does any of this matter?? Who cares? Why should anyone care?
These are questions in my mind. I think I am a horrible person. I think I deserve so much worse.

I'm exhausted by the two warring factions in my mind. "You deserve better" vs. "Rot in hell, bitch, and stop whining." (How cruel we are to ourselves!) ...

There's more to this entry....but that's all I'm going to whine about today. For now, at least.